"The Lord's Work"

I've decided never to write blogs about things I think my audience will enjoy and instead just to write about what I've been thinking about a lot. As I often said when I was a newspaper editor in cheif- "If you're interested in the topic, there are certain to be other people who are also."

I've been helping a friend of mine with a short horror film for the past three years. He's finally "finished" with it and it's online. The entire process of being involved in this film has been horrendously frustrating for me, because my friend just has no creative talent at all. Worse, is that he thinks he has creative talent, so he won't listen to anything I tell him.

So three years ago he gets this idea for a short horror film. Here's the "story:"

I play a preacher and I go to a cemetery and walk around for awhile . Then after I'm done walking around the cemetery, I get in my car and it doesn't start. So I get out of the car and start walking around for a long time down an old dirt road until I end up at a house. I go to the door and knock, no one answers, so I step inside and try the phone out. Just as I realize the phone is dead I hear a noise and I step further into the house to investigate. I hear the sound again and realize it's coming from the basement. I walk down into the basement and see a dead body at the foot of the stairs. Then the door closes behind me and a killer attacks me. This killer who wears a ski mask then takes me knocked out and throws me in the trunk of his car (have we used up enough cleche's thus far?) and drives away. We drive into the night through this long sequence of the camera being used with the negative effect on (spooky!) and end up at this location in the woods. The killer takes me out of the trunk of his car and kills me. The end.

Okay, so against my better judgment I decide to try to make this project a little better. I decide to encourage my friend to instead of having the killer kill the preacher, to have the killer take the preacher's bible, throw it on the ground, light it on fire, then piss out the flames. Then the hand of god appears, or a light comes from the sky and an angel or something makes the killer's head explode.

I push this to my friend enough times that he begins to think it's his own idea and accepts it. Super! I'm finally jazzed for the project. I get some more ideas. Like for one: the preacher should go to two other houses before he ends up at the killer's house. Which makes sense because if you can't introduce theme to a story, you need to introduce symmetry. No dice. The wonderful theme to this particular story is driving in a car at a cemetary, walking on a dirt road, going to a house and getting attacked. I'm upset about this but I still participate.

Over the years we schedule shoots. I go to his house on the day of the shoot and he's not home. This happened some twelve times. Yes, it's his film. Then when we finally do get together I get all these other ideas for shots and things and the way it should be put together. Again I have to introduce all these things so they sound like they're his ideas, or he won't use them.

I get exited between shoots until I see the footage after it is edited. Nick has no sense of theatrical timing, so he can't even execute great ideas when he edits them. The scene comes off as unthematic as it would have been without the good idea. Then the other cool things we shoot that I suggest, he somehow loses the footage. Where was that kick ass shot of me turning around right there when the light turned off? "Oh, I forgot that" what?!

I get less and less enthusiastic about it. I try to get Nick to promise me I'll be able to shoot my own cut of the film. He promises. Then he backs out of the promise (realizing of course that I'll totally show him up, which I will.) So I just tell him I'm not going to help him with it anymore unless I get a contract or something guaranteeing me my own cut (I've decided at this point that I've put enough of my own creativity into this project that I can turn the story into a cool story) He never replies.

Eventually I get the idea for the story that I realize will save the whole film. I realize the story simply doesn't work as a protagonist-antagonist piece and works better as a man vs. man story. In a man vs. man story you portray two opposing stock characters as foils (or opposites) of each other in an equal light, then get them to face off. The appeal in this type of story is the audience just wants to see which epitome of "evil" or "good" will win. So for this story to work, we have to portray my character as the preachiest preacher who ever lived (which I've already done with my portrayal, trying to spice this shit up), and the killer as the most fucked up blood thirsty hater of god killer that ever lived.

So I write these two scenes which will give the killer equal attention to my character. The first scene opens the film and features the Killer breaking into the house that the preacher later meets him at with another character in a ski mask. This other character (called the burglar) thinks they're robbing the place. Here's the dialogue.

BURGLAR:(moving in and out of the shot carrying tv's dvd players and drawers of jewelry) Common man, are you gonna help me move this shit?

KILLER: There's no one here.

BURGLAR: Yeah, it looks like we lucked out. Common, we need to get going before these people come back.

KILLER: (sits down on recliner and starts looking at the hammer he has in his hand) No, I think I'm just going to wait for them to come home.

BURGLAR: (sets down the tv he's carrying and pulls his mask off) look dude, I don't know what your fucked up problem is but if you stick around here you're going to get busted and If I stick around here with you I'm going to get busted too. Rizzelli is waiting for us to bring him a load of this merchandise so we better get our asses moving. Hey, why don't you take your mask off? You had your mask off when I picked you up and I've never seen you without it.

KILLER: (shrugs) You want me to take my mask off?

BURGLAR: Well, yeah

*We get a shot from behind the killers back at the burglar as the killer stands and pulls the mask off his face in one motion. When the burglar sees what is underneath the mask he shreiks, falls to the ground and starts back pedalling.

BURGLAR: Holy mother-fucker dude! You are fucked up! Jesus!!!

*the next shot is of the killer from the burglars perspective on the floor. As the shot zooms in on his face, a low tone them note is held.

KILLER: Jesus?! (raises his hammer) I HATE JESUS!!!

Then we go from there to the cemetery scene where I'm walking around all happy with my bible. Makes sense right?

Nick said "nope." It wasn't his idea so it wouldn't do.

So here is Nick's cut of the film. He considers this work, finished. Use your imagination at the end, the little red glowing light thing is supposed to be the hand of god attacking the Killer. He guessed the audience would just understand that, even though it's just some light and I wasn't able to get him to use "amazing grace" into the score there, like I wanted. All the really cool parts of the film, like the opening score (which he misused), the score you hear while the bible is burning, my dialogue and the killer's fucked up voice were all my creations. Enjoy them then see who the film gives credit to at the end.





The moral of the story: Never give anyone creative advice.

One good development that has arisen is the fact that now that Nick consider's the film "done" he's given me the footage, which I am now editing. Wait until you see this film when I'm through with it. :) I've just put too much of my time into this project not to turn it into something good.

We've decided to get some other horror filmmakers to lend us some films to put together a compilation dvd for halloween that we can feature at some of the local theatres. Even though horror films are not my thing, I've decided to start my own horror film to include called "Jellybean." I expect to be done with it in a few months and it will make this film look like it was made by a third grader, at least this cut of the film anyway. My cut of the film I am not going to allow Nick to even get his hands on. I'm going to keep it and allow people to compare it to the shit he tried to release, just for poetic justice.

Nick also has a new project in the works. Here's the story...

We both play a couple burglars and we rob this house. After we rob the house I turn around and kill him unexpectedly and start talking to myself as a split personality "you're not supposed to do this!" "fuck you, I'll do whatever I want!!!" The end.

I'll help him out with this new film as much as I can, but creatively, I've decided to keep my mouth shut this time. :-)