"The Lord's Work"

I've decided never to write blogs about things I think my audience will enjoy and instead just to write about what I've been thinking about a lot. As I often said when I was a newspaper editor in cheif- "If you're interested in the topic, there are certain to be other people who are also."

I've been helping a friend of mine with a short horror film for the past three years. He's finally "finished" with it and it's online. The entire process of being involved in this film has been horrendously frustrating for me, because my friend just has no creative talent at all. Worse, is that he thinks he has creative talent, so he won't listen to anything I tell him.

So three years ago he gets this idea for a short horror film. Here's the "story:"

I play a preacher and I go to a cemetery and walk around for awhile . Then after I'm done walking around the cemetery, I get in my car and it doesn't start. So I get out of the car and start walking around for a long time down an old dirt road until I end up at a house. I go to the door and knock, no one answers, so I step inside and try the phone out. Just as I realize the phone is dead I hear a noise and I step further into the house to investigate. I hear the sound again and realize it's coming from the basement. I walk down into the basement and see a dead body at the foot of the stairs. Then the door closes behind me and a killer attacks me. This killer who wears a ski mask then takes me knocked out and throws me in the trunk of his car (have we used up enough cleche's thus far?) and drives away. We drive into the night through this long sequence of the camera being used with the negative effect on (spooky!) and end up at this location in the woods. The killer takes me out of the trunk of his car and kills me. The end.

Okay, so against my better judgment I decide to try to make this project a little better. I decide to encourage my friend to instead of having the killer kill the preacher, to have the killer take the preacher's bible, throw it on the ground, light it on fire, then piss out the flames. Then the hand of god appears, or a light comes from the sky and an angel or something makes the killer's head explode.

I push this to my friend enough times that he begins to think it's his own idea and accepts it. Super! I'm finally jazzed for the project. I get some more ideas. Like for one: the preacher should go to two other houses before he ends up at the killer's house. Which makes sense because if you can't introduce theme to a story, you need to introduce symmetry. No dice. The wonderful theme to this particular story is driving in a car at a cemetary, walking on a dirt road, going to a house and getting attacked. I'm upset about this but I still participate.

Over the years we schedule shoots. I go to his house on the day of the shoot and he's not home. This happened some twelve times. Yes, it's his film. Then when we finally do get together I get all these other ideas for shots and things and the way it should be put together. Again I have to introduce all these things so they sound like they're his ideas, or he won't use them.

I get exited between shoots until I see the footage after it is edited. Nick has no sense of theatrical timing, so he can't even execute great ideas when he edits them. The scene comes off as unthematic as it would have been without the good idea. Then the other cool things we shoot that I suggest, he somehow loses the footage. Where was that kick ass shot of me turning around right there when the light turned off? "Oh, I forgot that" what?!

I get less and less enthusiastic about it. I try to get Nick to promise me I'll be able to shoot my own cut of the film. He promises. Then he backs out of the promise (realizing of course that I'll totally show him up, which I will.) So I just tell him I'm not going to help him with it anymore unless I get a contract or something guaranteeing me my own cut (I've decided at this point that I've put enough of my own creativity into this project that I can turn the story into a cool story) He never replies.

Eventually I get the idea for the story that I realize will save the whole film. I realize the story simply doesn't work as a protagonist-antagonist piece and works better as a man vs. man story. In a man vs. man story you portray two opposing stock characters as foils (or opposites) of each other in an equal light, then get them to face off. The appeal in this type of story is the audience just wants to see which epitome of "evil" or "good" will win. So for this story to work, we have to portray my character as the preachiest preacher who ever lived (which I've already done with my portrayal, trying to spice this shit up), and the killer as the most fucked up blood thirsty hater of god killer that ever lived.

So I write these two scenes which will give the killer equal attention to my character. The first scene opens the film and features the Killer breaking into the house that the preacher later meets him at with another character in a ski mask. This other character (called the burglar) thinks they're robbing the place. Here's the dialogue.

BURGLAR:(moving in and out of the shot carrying tv's dvd players and drawers of jewelry) Common man, are you gonna help me move this shit?

KILLER: There's no one here.

BURGLAR: Yeah, it looks like we lucked out. Common, we need to get going before these people come back.

KILLER: (sits down on recliner and starts looking at the hammer he has in his hand) No, I think I'm just going to wait for them to come home.

BURGLAR: (sets down the tv he's carrying and pulls his mask off) look dude, I don't know what your fucked up problem is but if you stick around here you're going to get busted and If I stick around here with you I'm going to get busted too. Rizzelli is waiting for us to bring him a load of this merchandise so we better get our asses moving. Hey, why don't you take your mask off? You had your mask off when I picked you up and I've never seen you without it.

KILLER: (shrugs) You want me to take my mask off?

BURGLAR: Well, yeah

*We get a shot from behind the killers back at the burglar as the killer stands and pulls the mask off his face in one motion. When the burglar sees what is underneath the mask he shreiks, falls to the ground and starts back pedalling.

BURGLAR: Holy mother-fucker dude! You are fucked up! Jesus!!!

*the next shot is of the killer from the burglars perspective on the floor. As the shot zooms in on his face, a low tone them note is held.

KILLER: Jesus?! (raises his hammer) I HATE JESUS!!!

Then we go from there to the cemetery scene where I'm walking around all happy with my bible. Makes sense right?

Nick said "nope." It wasn't his idea so it wouldn't do.

So here is Nick's cut of the film. He considers this work, finished. Use your imagination at the end, the little red glowing light thing is supposed to be the hand of god attacking the Killer. He guessed the audience would just understand that, even though it's just some light and I wasn't able to get him to use "amazing grace" into the score there, like I wanted. All the really cool parts of the film, like the opening score (which he misused), the score you hear while the bible is burning, my dialogue and the killer's fucked up voice were all my creations. Enjoy them then see who the film gives credit to at the end.





The moral of the story: Never give anyone creative advice.

One good development that has arisen is the fact that now that Nick consider's the film "done" he's given me the footage, which I am now editing. Wait until you see this film when I'm through with it. :) I've just put too much of my time into this project not to turn it into something good.

We've decided to get some other horror filmmakers to lend us some films to put together a compilation dvd for halloween that we can feature at some of the local theatres. Even though horror films are not my thing, I've decided to start my own horror film to include called "Jellybean." I expect to be done with it in a few months and it will make this film look like it was made by a third grader, at least this cut of the film anyway. My cut of the film I am not going to allow Nick to even get his hands on. I'm going to keep it and allow people to compare it to the shit he tried to release, just for poetic justice.

Nick also has a new project in the works. Here's the story...

We both play a couple burglars and we rob this house. After we rob the house I turn around and kill him unexpectedly and start talking to myself as a split personality "you're not supposed to do this!" "fuck you, I'll do whatever I want!!!" The end.

I'll help him out with this new film as much as I can, but creatively, I've decided to keep my mouth shut this time. :-)

Myspace fearmongering

Sometimes I forget how stupid people are. Now and then I'll think to myself "Oh, I must be in a bad mood when I rant on and on about the stupidity of the society I live in, I just need to relax. It's all me." Then I find something like this.

This is a myspace bulletin. One of those messages people can post on myspace that all the people on their friends list can read. Someone writes it, then posts it and then someone else copies and pastes it and it gets spread all over myspace to a million people in three days or something.

This is so sad. Everyone should read it!
---------------------------------------------
People are so darn sick these days.

Don't they know what they are doing to our children?

McDonalds, Chuck E Cheese, Discovery Zone... All places with ball
pits in the children*s play area.

One of my sons lost his watch, and was
very upset.

We dug and dug in those balls, trying to find his watch.

Instead, we
found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss.

I went to the manager and raised hell.

Come to find out, the ball pit
is only cleaned out once a month.

I have doubts that it is
even done that often. My kids will never play in another ball pit.

Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews,
grandchildren, or friends with children.

This will pertain
to you too. As I read the following, my heart sank.

I urge each
and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as you can.

I cannot stress how important this is!

Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland, TN.

On October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son
to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday.

After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit.

When he started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the back of his pull-up and simply said 'Mommy, it hurts.

I couldn't find anything wrong with him at that time.

I bathed him when we got home, and
it was at that point when I found a welt on his left buttock.

Upon investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter
under the welt.

I made an appointment to see the doctor the next
day, but soon he started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes
rolled back into his head.

From there, we went to the emergency
room. He died later that night.

It turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic
needle that had broken off inside.

The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose.

The next week, the police removed the balls from the
ball pit.

There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles: some full, some
used; knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and
and the stench of urine

(You can find the article on Kevin Archer in the October 10, 1999 issue
of the Midland Chronicle.

Don't think it's just McDonald's either.

A little boy had been playing
in a ball pit @ a Burger King & started complaining of his
legs hurting.

He later died too.

He was found to have snake bites all over his legs &
buttocks.

When they cleaned the ball pit they found
that there was a copperhead's nest in the ball pit.

He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisones snake!
Repost this if it scares the crap out of you!! Repost this if you care
about kids!! Please forward this to all loving mothers, fathers and
anyone who loves and cares for children!! What has this world come to??

If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where??

AND FYI:

In Florida and other places on the East Coast a group of people are
putting HIV/AIDS infected and filled needles underneath gas pump
handles, so when someone reaches to pick it up and put gas
in their car, they get stabbed with it.

16 people have been a victim
of this crime so far and 10 tested HIV positive.

Instead of forwarding
stupid e-mails about how your love life will suck for years to
come if you don't forward it to 10 people forward
this.

It's important to inform people.

I read this and I think "Of course this is bullshit." But being an academian I decide to take the minute out of my life and actually check out the facts the bulletin claims. I type "Kevin Archer Midland Chronicle" into google. Here's what I got...

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blneedle.htm

As I suspected, not one damn word of the bulletin is true. Not one word. Well, actually I should be fair, it says two things that are true. The first sentence is true:"People are so sick these days," and the final sentence is true: "It's important to inform people."

I am flabbergasted in how this bulletin could have been passed around myspace and a million people read it and not one stop and do what I did and try to look up the facts. It took me two minutes for crying out loud. It certainly took me less time to look up the facts than it would have taken to repost the article, which is what hundreds of other people did to get this message passed around myspace. Are we really this addicted to fear? The more scary some idea is, the more it shows that our next door neighbor is a fucking crazy madman who would inject us with an aids needle just for kicks- the less likely we are to question it.

The gas pump thing is the funniest part. Anyone who has ever pumped gas should wonder how a needle could be stuck sticking out underneath the gas pump handle. I mean, the mechanics of it make no sense. How could anyone read that and not see that it is bullshit?

You people are fucking stupid!

Dating websites and second grade grammar.

I recently updated my profile at POF (it's a dating site). I think what I've written is totally reasonable, but I've been getting complaints.

Please don't bother contacting me if you don't live in Cheboygan or Emmett county Michigan. I'm sure you're a wonderful person if you live somewhere else but it's just too far away. Also try to "write" your message to me. This means beginning your sentences with a capital letter and ending your sentences with punctuation marks. Not trying to use proper grammar or spelling in a message is the equivalent of showing up on a date without taking a shower. It sends a message that you don't value the person you're writing to.

Let me give you ladies some help with this...

"Your" is the possessive form of "you," as in "your car." "You're" means "you are," as in "you're cool, I like your car."

"Too" means "also," "in addition," moreover," or "furthermore." "To" is a preposition. "Two" is "the number 2." For instance: "I had two apples, which was too many apples, so I went to the store to sell them."

"Was" follows a singular noun, "were" follows a plural noun. "We were alive." "I was alive." "He was happy." "They were happy." "Jan was drunk" "Jan and Dave were drunk." If more than one person is doing something in a sentence, use "were." If only one person is doing something, use "was."

"Hear" means "listen." "here" means "this spot" or the opposite of "there." "I hear a drum beating when I stand here." "Here is the place where you can hear the cannons." (Yes, as crazy as it is, I keep getting messages from women who don't understand this.)

Ladies, if you find my ****ing about grammar and spelling snobbish, don't message me. I am not asking for perfect spelling and grammar, but these are third grade mistakes I'm talking about here and most of you ladies who make them are in your mid-twenties to early thirties. I want to date a woman I can have a conversation with. If you still have second grade grammatical abilities at the age of 28, it's unlikely you're the right person for me. I'd like to be able to talk with a woman about something other than beer prices.

I like women with brains who care about the world.

If you're from northern Michigan, you should check out my website. http://northernmichiganfun.com

I'm not a spelling and grammar nerd, who demands perfection from anyone, but seriously, not knowing the difference between "to" and "too?" Give me a break. If you're in your late twenties to early thirties and you don't know that the synonym for "listen" is spelled "h-e-a-r" instead of "here," I'm sorry, but there's not much of a chance the two of us are going to hit it off.

Seriously, it's like one woman after another. No one bothers to try to write a coherent sentence.

Here are some examples, straight out of my inbox. Tell me seriously, would any of you attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who wrote you something like this...

That is a bummer that I live to far for you there. I us to live in Petoskey a year and half ago but moved here to Alpena because homes was cheaper here but hard to find this job that I am working at now but it was nice of you to reply back to tell me that where I live at is to far.

Hi! How are you? I like to get to know you more. Do you mind your woman being a over weight. I am working on losing weight. I need to get myself a new picture here because when the last time I took this picture it was about a year ago and need to up date it with taking a new picture. Is Alpena to far for you there. Please respond back to me and we can get to know each other better I hope.


Hello, I just signed up today. I am a single mother who enjoy children. I would like to here back from you sometime


I NO U CANT C HER TO GOOD BUT THIS IS ANNA NO SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER PLEASE TRUST ME I WAS PREGO B4 I MET U I WILL NEVER LYE TO U GET BACK IF U R UP ID LOVETO TALK TO U AGAIN OK THANK U DEER PLUSWE DID USE RUBBERS DO U REMEMBER THAT HOW CAN U GET PREGNANT WITH THE RUBBER THERE IS NO WAY .

I didn't cherry pick those messages either. Those are literally the last four messages in my inbox from three different girls. No, I'm not making up the last one, but it's a case in point anyway.

Does anyone else think it is totally insulting to send someone a message without checking to see if you're spelling anything or even writing a coherent sentence? That's like showing up on a date without taking a shower for three weeks. It shows a total lack of respect for the person you're contacting.

Ladies, I know it's a popular idea that men don't care about brains, but give me a break. Even if you don't think men care at least attempt to have some intelligence for your own sake. Some of us do like brains and when you send us messages like this it's a total fucking turn off. How can I possibly have a stimulating conversation with some twat who doesn't know how to use "to" and "too" properly? Give me a break.

And so many of you wonder why you keep ending up with morons. Well, it's because smart men like me like dating smart women and you are not fucking smart. Develop your brain a little bit for fucks sake. You're on the internet day in and day out, it would take you two minutes out of your life to look up the proper use of "to" and "too," or "was" and "were," or "your" and "you're," or "here" and hear."

Sorry for the rant folks, but this is one of those minor annoying parts of my life that has been annoying for too long.

First Blog

Greetings Ladies and Germs! This is my first blog. I've decided to begin a blog because it would be a good feature for my website, northernmichiganfun.com to have some Northern Michigan weirdos like myself have blogs people can read. For some time now I've tried to find a way to create fresh, locally oriented newspaper-like content for the site that doesn't require me to invest hours each day writing, editing and posting articles.

I realize blogs are a good solution because they tend to be interesting, but the standard of writing quality is not expected on the same level as a column. The first two blogs to be featured in the site will be Gene Perry's blog and this one. Gene also should take some credit for this bold maneuver on my part to feature Northern Michigan blogs in the site, as I read his blog and realized it would be something cool I could feature. I'll go ahead and post the link to his blog in a bit before asking him permission to do so. Gene's usually pretty cool about allowing such things.

I was up late last night because I got a terrible headache and took pills for it that had caffeine in them because I was out of aspirin. I normally never injest caffeine, so it had a drug-like effect. I ended up getting only three hours of sleep before driving Aden to school and I was an hour late at that task. So I suppose I'm too tired to think of another topic besides "first blog." I am sure I will think of many good topics in the future to keep my small audience interested. I'm a person who is extremely blunt about his life and his feelings about the world and I expect to gain a reputation with this blog for my candidness. If it's on my mind, you'll be reading about it. I will try to be as candid as though I am writing things only I will read. Unlike a journal (and I've started plenty of those in my life) I will also write blogs now and then about politics and social issues. So stick around and you will be sure to receive a large dose of Benji Duncan in many shapes and flavors. Not all of them will taste good, but there won't be any added artificial sweeteners so they'll be good for you.